You know I feel like something's missing. I know that this isn't supposed to be our "complete" family. Sometimes I just don't understand why us. All the years of talking about our BIG family & naming all our kids seems like a waste of breath now. I want nothing more than to be able to just give it all up to God. But I'm going to admit that I am selfish & I can't. It's not that I don't trust him, I just don't want to know that I gave up. I'm NOT a "giver-upper" I never have been. My parents never let me quit anything growing up & I remember when I had to make the decision to stop playing soccer,which was my passion, so I could get a job, I felt like a quitter & a failure. Life has definately reached it's hardest point for me.
It seems like a day doesn't pass that someone isn't announcing a pregnancy. Last night someone at church announced a second pregnancy & on my drive home I asked God..."When will I get to share that good news again ?" I wish soo bad it wasn't a battle to get pregnant & STAY pregnant for us. Sometimes I feel as though I've failed at being the wife my husband wants me to be because he wants more children sooo bad & I can't just give that to him. I know wanting a second child to some may seem selfish when there are couples who can't even conceive once. But I've been on both ends & I'll go ahead & tell you that the WANT for a second child is much more greater than a first. & not being able to have it is even harder because you've been there & you know what it's like to get that "+" pregnancy test, & to see that little bean on the screen, & to FEEL the life moving inside of you...not only that but you have a child to look at & remember how tiny they once were, & their first steps & how they are growing up entirely too fast for your liking. This is going to get a lot harder before it gets easier but I'm here til the end. No giving up, no giving in. We will complete our family oneday somehow.
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You're not a failure, Katy. I know nothing I say will really help that much because this is a HUGE trial. Luckily you have a husband who is supportive and wants this as badly as you do. I KNOW that there are more little Loftin babies up there waiting for their turn to come down to earth and they're getting just as impatient as you are! It's going to happen, I have faith it will.
ReplyDeleteI've done some reading and secondary infertility is pretty common and there are some support groups out there for it. But I think you have a very HUGE group of support just through your facebook friends.
Know I'm always here for you if you need to vent or get some feelings out. Seriously, anytime. <3
thanks alex. we also had trouble conceiving braylon. my periods have always been pretty much no existant bc of PCOS :/ I hope they are super impatient,& they can even come down in a pair if they wish !
ReplyDeleteOh I didn't know you had trouble with Braylon. I'm sorry!
ReplyDeleteI know how hard PCOS is. My sister has it. She didn't know she had it with her first but concieved him pretty easily [things were regular from coming off bc at the time]. But concieving her little girl was a long hard struggle. Took them nearly 3 years. Keep your chin up, it WILL happen. I know...easier said than done =/
April will be two years for us. The beginning of 2012 we are going to start the IUI process. I hope it doesn't come to that though..we'll see
ReplyDeleteKaty, I love you. But I hate what you are and have been going through. Its not fair :/ There are soooo many stories i hear about it taking couples like years to have a hild or another child. so this is all about patience because you WILL have another lil one again.!!!
ReplyDeleteKaty I know weve never really hung out! But I feel like you are my best friend? You are one strong inspirational person! You are a GREAT mother and wife!
ReplyDeleteGirl thank God every day for what you do have? I know life has its ups and downs!! (trust me) You will one day have another baby to be a mother to I believe you will you have a passion for it! you are determined! and such a special and blessed woman!
I love you girl! just wanted to tell ya!
keep that pretty chin of yours up hun! :)
I love you katy! I'm sorry that you have to go through this but know that you aren't alone. There are others that are going through the same thing. I know it might not seem that way at times. You are one of my best friends and it hurts and makes me sad to know what you are going through and it doesn't seem fair and I wish there were something more I could do but what I can do is be there for you and be supportive and be the best friend I can be. Just know I will always be there for you and so will everyone else that love and care about you because you sure do have lots of friends and family that are behind you 100% and very supportive. I don't believe you are selfish at all and I know it can be hard sometimes to just let go and let God when you want something really bad like right away. Always trust in God because he will never fail you and I know you do and know that already. I have faith that you will become a mommy again to baby loftin #2 and I wish I could tell you when but none of us know accept God and it is hard to be patient sometimes. Just remember that you are such a strong woman even though you may not feel that way sometimes but you are and you're a wonderful mom and you are very Blessed to have Cody by your side and love you unconditionally and always be there for you. You both are wonderful parents and Braylon sure is blessed to have y'all and so is your future babies. I want this for you as much as you do. Remember I'm always here for you katy and I love you girl!
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