Waiting

Cody's grammys funeral was yesterday. It was a beautiful service put on by one of the grandsons. She would have been happy. It was raining cats & dogs.& I was standing in the rain with Braylon in his sling (he loves it!) I know Cody was sad. & it broke my heart to see his mom crying. I hope I die before my parents do. :( idk what I would do if I lost them.

Well I am anywhere from 8-11 dpo. AF is due anywhere from 3-6 days :\ seeing as how my periods aren't quite regular yet I'm basing this on a 28-31 day cycle. I've gotten sick 3 nights in a row & this AM. I am NOT associating it with pregnancy I'm just going to say I have a stomach bug. As soon as I get sick I feel fine again. It's very odd. I also have increased CM & heartburn from HELLo. Nine days til testing. :)

Speaking of 9 days..in 9 short days my teeny tiny baby will be TWO ! I can't believe it. It has went by wayy too fast. It breaks my heart I know on his birthday I am going to cry like a little baby :| he's growing up wayyyy too fast.

Sorry this post was everywhere. I will update soon with more symtoms & such.

Nothing major Captain.

Sooooooo....

Life in general is going okay. Cody's maternal grandmother is slowly passing away. It's so sad. I feel terrible for my motherinlaw. :( ---Cody filed our taxes & we just found out today that since he is a registered Indian we can get backpay from state taxes. & be exempt from paying them every year :) but we will & then just get all the $$ back at the end of the year. How awesome is that !?!? I can't wait to get our money back. I plan on ordering some Kawaii cloth diapers when we get our money. I am super excited to start CD'ing. Even though he won't be for too long since we are potty training. Oh well I'll have my stash started for baby #2 :P I was contemplating going back to work, but I have decided since it's a possibility that Bray could be our only, I don't want to miss this. He is my world. When he starts school I will go to school for cosmology & become a hairdresser, my dream ! Aside from being a dentist. & everyone can suck my big toe. Braylon will be 2 in a little over two weeks. It's bittersweet.


In the baby makin department. We still aren't "trying" we just are by no means preventing. We are actually bd'ing more. I guess less stress & more fun haha. Last night I had a dream that I gave birth to the most precious baby BOY in the world, second to my Braylon. :P & he weighed 6lbs 12oz. 19 in. Born via VBAC. & we named him Colston. He was a champ at breastfeeding & was a fluffbutt. Ohh how I hope my dream comes true. But I'm done being impatient, it WILL happen in God's time.

I don't know what to title this blog post !?

Well where to begin ? I am currently on CD 15 which means I'm ovulating more than likely. I don't waste my $$$ on OPKs because they have been wrong for me in the past & I decided it just wasn't worth it. I have 4 $tree tests & 3 digital EPT certainty tests :| I've decided to not actively TTC anymore. (Cody has a whole diff story but he can keep it to himself lol) It is wayy too stressful & takes too much out of me & it's starting to put a strain on my marriage. TTC just isn't worth my family falling apart. I have an amazing husband & son who love me & I just need to be happy with that. I am blessed. There are alot of women who deserve a child more than I do. I'm not saying that I don't WANT anymore because of course I still do. & I'm not saying we will be preventing in anyway. I'm just not going to stress or bother about it. Makes the sex more fun that way anyways, lol. TTC has flooded my life for the past 22 months & I can't do that anymore. I have gained sooooo much weight & I know most of it's from my PCOS but alot is also stress related. Since I haven't been so worried about it I have lost 10 lbs !! & I feel soo much better. My metabolism is speeding up, I'm not as depressed. Everythings just workin for me this way. AF is due around February 1-5 (depending on if I'm on a 28 or 31 da cycle) but I'm not testing until 2.9.11 that's Braylon's bday & I'll be soo distracted that day that IF I were to get a bfn it wouldn't bother me so much,but I'm feeling bfp ferrr sureee. Lol. & just so everyone knows..telling me that you agree will probably make me cry bc it's like your telling me you agree that I'm selfish. I kind felt hurt by everyone who "liked" my status update last night but ohh well, I'm a big girl. Anywaysss toodles. :)

Feeling..."weird"

      So I have been feeling soo weird lately. I guess I must be ovulating early. I am SUPER SUPER moody. CM has greatly increased. Cramping. Gassy. STARVING ALL THE TIME. Super exhausted. My body just aches !! My boobs ARE bigger O.o My lower back is killing me. & **TMI WARNING** my pee smells so weird. :/ If I didn't know any better I would be running to the store for pregnancy tests. My body is the weirdest body in the world. I have a great feeling that this month will be our month & I will get my BFP in February & we'll be having our Pumpkin baby <3 please keep praying for us.

    Braylon will be TWO next month. I have NO IDEA what to get him for his birthday. He doesn't "need" anything. He's got toys galore. I mean it looks like my house is a toy store. Right now he's got plenty of outside toys, bikes, trampoline, swing...I think I may talk Cody into caving & buying him a twinsized bed & new bedding & painting his room. We are FINALLY getting a new bathtub in his bathroom. I will love that bc to give him a bath in our garden tub it kills my back so I HAVE to take one with him. His monster bathroom accesories I bought when we moved in will finally be put to use. Now I just have to decide what color to paint it. :/ I am also thinking of painting an accent wall in our living room CRIMSON red. :) Since our decorations are Bama & Cowboy stuff. Ahh I'm ready for tax money.. I have so many plans. lol

When the rain comes...

So I've been an emotional wreck this past week. I care over everything,if braylons napping & I'm not keeping myself busy then I AM crying. It's insane. I am also cramping like crazyyyyy & having headaches, heartburn, nausea, & did I mention I'm craving everything ! & I mean everything. I want veggies soo ba right now like stir fry omggg ..all kinds of "pregnancy symptoms" !!!! But there's no way I'm pregnant, I had AF for 4 days. It's like I should be ovulating or something but based on my supposed 32 day cycle that's not no where near yet. If it was a 28 day cycle my "fertile period" would begin tomorrow. Soo starting tomorrow we will BD until January 31st. I WILL not miss my window. This WILL be our month. I'm not stressing about early testing or anything this month. We are just going to relax & enjoy ourselves. Lol. STRESS FREE. We need some "us time" anyways. I love my husband sooo much. I can't wait to see him holding his newborn baby again. It's what I live for. Having babies & seeing how much daddy loves them. Just the thought of it melts me to pieces. Cody is seriously THE BEST daddy in the world. & God right now I am asking you, begging you..PLEASE give that man the baby girl that he wants. Please. I do not prefer a certain sex for baby #2, I'd really like another boy but having a girl would be pretty magical. Idk to me having a girl is like a fairytale. You know mermaids, unicorns, fairies..stuff you only dream were real ! It really doesn't matter either way. I just hope God choses to bless us soon. We'll be waiting for you Baby. :))

What's in a name ?

Cody & I have decided when we do conceive baby # 2 the FINAL name decision will more than likely be kept a secret between the two of us until baby is born into this beautiful world :) I know that's going to drive most people insane but we've decided that's what best seeing as how everyone had negative comments on our name choices :( Its really sad that people can't realize when it comes down to it it will be OUR baby & I will NOT settle for a name I don't * LOVE* just to please someone else. It's OUR baby! As most of you know I love "boy"ish names for girls. To ME they are precious & that's just my personal opinion. I'm definately not for traditional names so much. I like something with a little edge. I mean come on my name is Katy, how lame is that ! Haha. And my next boy's middle name OR first name WILL be Tyde !!! Hands down no questions asked & all my family who doesn't like it can get over it & name their baby "Mike" for mike the tiger :P I'd like to continue with the "T" trend middle name for a boy. This all being said I guess I could share the list of our potential options for babys names, both boy & girl. Keep in mind, we are always adding & taking away. :)


BOY NAMES :

Colston Tyde Loftin "Cole"
Easton Tyde Loftin
Madden Tyde Loftin
Vincent Tyde Loftin
Maverick Tyde Loftin
Gibson Tyde Loftin
Kingston Tyde Loftin
& I LOVE Titan but it doesn't fit with Tyde at all :(

GIRL NAMES :
Bradleigh-Kate *insertmiddlenamehere* Loftin(yes we would call her "bradleigh-Kate"
Hunter Grayce Loftin (Cody loves this ! He says he'd call her "huni")
Brycen Kait Loftin
Kaidyn Rae Loftin "Kaid"
Kolstyn Marie Loftin "Koley"
Harper Kate (Harper is a family name)


Remember I don't care if you don't like my baby names bc I may not life yours. Won't offend me any :) this is just for those who are interested :P

i want to get away.

 It's been a bad few days & it's just getting worse. No matter what I keep coming back to it. I can't get away. Just when I thought I have,, NOPEEE I haven't. :,( If you think I'm annoying with this, then WHY are you reading my blog  ?

Anyways, Braylon will be TWO in less than one month. We've scheduled his birthday party at in the zone ( a bouncey place) for family & I am so excited. He's going to have soo much fun. I just know I will be crying the whole time. I really don't want my baby to turn two. :( I wish he could stay little forever.

All about me & my sugarbooger.

Since tomorrow will be SIX YEARS that we've been together I figured I'd do the how we met blog :) WARNING : IT'S MUSHY & SAPPY. no good stuff haha.

  Well, it all started in the 4th grade (no joke!) the skatin rink days. LOL! Cody asked me to "couple skate", my response was "me couple skate with YOU ?!  PSHHH yeah right"

  Both my sister's & my dad knew his family. In 6th grade I started going to Grawood Baptist Church, much to my surprise that redheaded dorky kid that asked me to couple skate with him was there, & in my sunday school class. Ok, He was KINDA cute :) He was soo funny & we quickly became friends, of course that's all I thought it was. We didn't go to the same school so I only saw him at church events, & you bet I was at every single one. hahah !! All of middle school he had a "girlfriend" but that was okay bc he wasn't really my type anyways in 8th grade my boyfriend was in 10th grade. :/ ( I WAS DUMB!) Towards the end of the summer eigth grade year everyone was asking everyone what school they were going to next year, mainly everyone said Byrd, except me & except Cody :) We both said Southwood. My heart skipped a beat. I was sooo excited.



 Well I didn't get into Southwood right away so I went a week late, I saw Cody in the hallway on my way to choir & he was coming from drumline. He acted like he was going to stop & talk to me, but I basically ran past him. haha.
September came around & it was time for HOMECOMING ! We were talking about homecoming in sunday school & our teacher asked everyone if they had a date, me & cody both said no..(he had a gf) our SS teacher said we should go together, Cody automatically said NO! I was soo crushed bc I was going to ask him. I ended up going with a SENIOR & it was the WORST night of my life, I wanted to be there with Cody. Let me go ahead & tell you this entire time the only people who knew I liked him was my mom,sister & my best friend Christine. Well, some how around November Cody found out I liked him, come to find out my sister bowls with his uncle & told him "all my sister talks about is your nephew" I was soo embarrassed bc I knew there was NO WAY he'd ever like me. We were BEST FRIENDS. We even had BFF necklaces, LOL!!!!

   Somtime in December we went iceskating in Marshall with our SS class. Cody rode in the same car I did, on the way home we held hands.  I walked up to Cody at school & handed him a piece of paper I wrote the lyrics to "True" on my Ryan Cabrera (SP?!) & Walked off.  That day one of our friends asked Cody (IN FRONT OF ME!) "What would you do if Katy kissed you ?" I RAN OFF I WAS SOOO EMBARRASSED! After the next class, in front of the stairwell, in front of the student center at Southwood High School, Cody grabbed my face & kissed me. My whole world stopped & it was like it was just us. From that kiss, I KNEW I was going to marry him. He ended up inviting me to the PBR rodeo with his family that night.  He fed me chocolate icecream.. I HATE chocolate icecream but that was the best I'd ever had :) When his parents dropped me off Cody kissed me at the door. I was soo happy. Cody played drums for the youth band so sunday night at church JANUARY 9, 2005 (6 years ago TODAY!) I handed him a note telling him that if he was leading me on I really wanted it to stop & I said are we going to go out or not. bc I was getting tired of this.

  January 10, 2005 at school Cody walked up to me & said Yes & No and that's it. Tears filled my eyes & I walked away. I cried alll day at school & didn't talk to Cody. He called me 5 times that night & I ignored it. The last time he called I answered. He asked me what was wrong & I told him I didn't want to talk to him. He said welll aren't we dating ?! I was soo confused. I mixed up his order, he meant NO HE WASN'T LEADING ME ON & YES HE WANTED TO GO OUT WITH ME..So he asked me out ! I said YES ! :) We dated all thru highschool & never broke up. Our senior year on my 18th birthday Cody Loftin proposed to me in front of our entire families :) It was magical, & of course I said yes !

  We planned to get married September 25, 2o08. Two months after graduation we found out I was pregnant, but that's a whole different story, so we decided to move the wedding back to December 20, 2008. ( MY MOM'S BDAY) bc I didn't want to be "oddly" pregnant when we got married ( i know total opposite) ALOT of people, ALOT OF DUMB PEOPLE think that Cody & I got married because I was pregnant, but NO WE DIDNT ! We had been engaged a year & got married bc we loved eachother & I wanted to be his wife.

There's SOO much more & I'm sure I've missed alot but that's us. <3



& As you're playing in the clouds....

know you're always on my mind

 

   Today my angel baby's gestational age would have been 20 weeks 1 day. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what he or she would be like. Or if he/she would be a BOY or a GIRL ! I have people tell me "quit counting" but I'm not going to. I want my baby to know she/he left a legacy. I was only 6 weeks pregnant but I can't begin to explain how much love I had for that tiny tiny baby. My heart will ALWAYS be broken, & I will ALWAYS have pieces missing. Nothing can heal this, no words will help. I'm glad that if it's not ME watching after my baby it's Jesus. I love you sweet baby. Watch over us..

 UPDATE: AF is here for sure. Loud & proud. I think my cycles are on 31-32 days now. So I won't be doing anything "special" this month for TTC. We'll just relax & pray it happens & That we get a little pumpkin :)

Drum Roll Please.......

AF has made her appearance !!!

& I couldn't be happier :D third month in a row with NO MEDS. Well, besides Vitex this month but that's an herb not a drug !! Af's appearance means I am, in fact, finally ovulating on my own ! One step closer to baby # 2 ! WOOOTTT !!! Hoping & praying & hoping & praying that we get a little "Pumpkin Baby" (October baby !)

Please keep praying for us !!

My heart just isn't whole quite yet.

 You know I feel like something's missing. I know that this isn't supposed to be our "complete" family. Sometimes I just don't understand why us. All the years of talking about our BIG family & naming all our kids seems like a waste of breath now. I want nothing more than to be able to just give it all up to God. But I'm going to admit that I am selfish & I can't. It's not that I don't trust him, I just don't want to know that I gave up. I'm NOT a "giver-upper" I never have been. My parents never let me quit anything growing up & I remember when I had to make the decision to stop playing soccer,which was my passion, so I could get a job, I felt like a quitter & a failure. Life has definately reached it's hardest point for me.

  It seems like a day doesn't pass that someone isn't announcing a pregnancy. Last night someone at church announced a second pregnancy & on my drive home I asked God..."When will I get to share that good news again ?" I wish soo bad it wasn't a battle to get pregnant & STAY pregnant for us. Sometimes I feel as though I've failed at being the wife my husband wants me to be because he wants more children sooo bad & I can't just give that to him. I know wanting a second child to some may seem selfish when there are couples who can't even conceive once. But I've been on both ends & I'll go ahead & tell you that the WANT for a second child is much more greater than a first. & not being able to have it is even harder because you've been there & you know what it's like to get that "+" pregnancy test, & to see that little bean on the screen, & to FEEL the life moving inside of you...not only that but you have a child to look at & remember how tiny they once were, & their first steps & how they are growing up entirely too fast for your liking. This is going to get a lot harder before it gets easier but I'm here til the end. No giving up, no giving in. We will complete our family oneday somehow.

My First Post

This is my first post on this blog. It's mainly going to be a TTC blog, with a little bit of our life in between..

April will be two years that we have been TTC our second little miracle. It's been a long road & I don't quite see the end of it yet. We've gone through way more months of Clomid then you're even supposed to. My body is just insane. Cody & I talked about doing IUI if we don't conceive by the beginning of 2012. I'm truly hoping it doesn't come to that but I will do whatever it takes to expand our family.

Keep readinggg.